Tangible Difference Company Blog

Written by Michael Conteh Saturday, 15 August 2009 00:00

Blog 10-21-2009: Tough Love

Pushing our children.

This is the one last writen by Alexis. I will be starting back writing for the next blog. Don't forget the Cure Autism Walk on the 24th.

TOUGH LOVE

I used to work at a center for children with physical and mental disabilities. During the summer we would take the kids on weekly community outings. One outing that I will never forget was to the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach. At one point during the excursion a seven year old girl with Down's syndrome decided she wanted to return to an exhibit the group had toured earlier that day. She tried to make a run for it and, when she was caught, proceeded to throw an apocalyptic tantrum in the middle of the aquarium. I took her hand, led her outside, and told her that we did not behave like that in public and if she was so determined to have a tantrum she could do so in the parking lot. And she did; she threw herself down on the ground and went at it. As I stood there sipping my frozen lemonade and waiting it out, some random woman walked up to me and began to yell at me: How dare I treat a child this way, anyone could see that the girl was disabled and she couldn't help herself because she didn't know any better, and what I was doing was child abuse and she was going to call the authorities. I looked this random woman dead in the eye, took another sip of lemonade while she glared at me, and chuckled as she stalked off.

I was appalled by the woman's audacity. But her attitude was so typical of our society. People feel sorry for children who have apparent disabilities and, as a result, want to make allowances and excuses for them. On the other hand, if your child looks "normal," people tend to be more judgmental. As a parent, it can be frustrating and embarrassing when your child acts uncontrollable in public...and every child will, at some point, do just that. A lot of children with autism have sensory issues or are unable to handle changes to their routine, which makes them more susceptible to having behavior issues in public. When your child is acting up in public it can be difficult to stick to your intervention plan and work through the behavior, especially with people staring at you. Rather than avoiding such situations, try to shift your perspective and embrace them as teaching moments. Here are some things to keep in mind that may help you with that perspective shift:

• You know your child best. You know their level of comprehension and ability, therefore you know how high your expectations should be. Now, just to be clear, there is NO EXCUSE for inappropriate behaviors such as throwing, hitting, spitting, etc. All children are capable of understanding that it is not acceptable to do such things and should be held to that standard of behavior. But it may be too much to ask of your four year old that he/she not engage in flapping or vocal stims at all in public.
• All children need boundaries. Children with autism are less able to learn social rules by inference and therefore need more defined boundaries than other children. By clearly delineating those boundaries, you are teaching your child how to cope with situations that are unfamiliar to him/her and helping alleviate the anxiety of those situations.
• Disciplining your child (sticking to the intervention plan and/or delivering consequences) when he/she behaves inappropriately shows that you care enough about your child to help him/her learn to function in society and interact with others.
• Your child is able to sense your moods and they absorb your emotions. When you are stressed, frustrated, or embarrassed, take a few moments and calm yourself before you attend to your child's behaviors. He/she will sense that you are in control and will respond to that, helping to shorten the duration of the episode.

We all need an occasional push in order to become a better person. The people who love us the most are the ones who are willing to be honest with us and give us that swift kick in the right direction. It's not being mean; it's tough love. By setting high expectations for your children, you are telling them that you have confidence in their ability to attain those goals and that you love them enough to want them to be the best they can be.